What It Feels Like to Have Breast Cancer: Diary Entry

Diagnosed With Breast Cancer May 14th, 2015

Caught incredibly early, I am very lucky! I had a lumpectomy on May 22nd. It did not spread to my lymph nodes. I start chemotherapy on July 17th. It will only be 4 treatments 3 weeks a part. Then radiation followed by hormone therapy. The worst part of all of this so far is watching my loved ones reactions to what’s going on with me. I’m hoping this forum is a place where I can vent my frustrations and not see how it effects the people that care for me. Sometimes I just need someone to listen and not say or do anything. I’m hoping I have found the place I can do that!

One Month LaterBreast_Cancer_Entry2

Augh!! – That’s all I can say right now. That’s not true it’s just how I feel. I shaved my head last Friday before work because I couldn’t stand the hair coming out in chunks. GROSS!! It was so GROSS! And then I felt FREE totally free from that anxiety. Relieved and Happy. I almost love my bald head. Almost!! But that didn’t last long. Now I hate it that everyone knows. I no longer have control of who I tell, if I want to tell. Cancer again has taken something away from me and I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT!!!!! And don’t get me started on the pity looks. Please stop looking at me with pity. My life is great. I am loved more than I deserve. My support group is unbelievable. Everyone should have the good that I have in their life. Why isn’t it enough? Why do the pity looks upset me so? I wish I could get a temporary tattoo on my head so people would think I’m a bad ass instead of a sick person. Is it wrong to feel this way? Then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty because this is only an inconvenience. I will recover and be able to do the things I love. It’s just a sucky roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying….. Did I mention I love roller coaster rides? Trying like hell to make the best of things and feeling like I’m failing miserably……..

Three months after diagnosis…

I have made it! 10 days after my last chemo treatment, 30 lbs. heavier, with neuropathy in my hands and feet I was up on one ski. No one was going to judge me. I had done it!!! So as I let go of the handle and slowly sank into the brisk fall water I let go! I let the sobs come and released all that cancer and its treatment held over me. It was one of the most monumental moments of my life. At that moment I knew I was not only a fighter, but a survivor as well.

 

Real patient experiences shared privately at www.TreatmentDiaries.com. Read more, share if you like or join in the conversation. Making sure you feel less alone navigating a cancer diagnosis is important. Connecting you to those who can relate and provide support is what we do.