Caring For a Loved One With Lung Cancer and Loosing Yourself.…

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I have been negligent in keeping up with TD. I sort of went in to hiding from the world. I stopped looking at Facebook. I hurry to my seat in the balcony at church so that I don’t have to talk to anyone. I feel reclusive. I guess my introverted personality has gone into overdrive.

I have been on TD, though. I read, and pray for my TD friends who are going through such difficult circumstances. So even though you don’t see me, your trials are not unnoticed. That’s how God is too. He sees it all, even when we feel alone in our troubles. It is a comforting thought that I can’t hide from Him.

I was catching up on some diary entries, and was inspired by RA Chick to really put forth some effort to spend time writing on TD.

My husband had his 2nd PET scan yesterday. We haven’t gotten the results, and the wait is tremendously difficult. His new treatment is 2 months in now, and it continues to get harder for him to deal with. Just visiting with a friend will drain him completely of his energy. And I get so frustrated with these people who come to see him, and they can see that they are wearing him out, yet they persist in burdening him with every detail of their life, really not thinking to ask how he is doing. My husband is a patient caring man who listens to it all, and nearly collapses when they leave.

On the other hand, I feel quite lonely. Most of my friends turned away when he got cancer. This is part of my introversion. I am hurt because peopletreatmentdiaries-nov2 who should have been there- who should BE there for us ignore us- me in particular. I’ve spoken to other caregivers who have gone through the same thing. No one knows what to say, so they would rather say nothing at all.

One kind lady that I know from my TOPS group brought a meal. That was so appreciated! She visited for a while, and we felt encouraged when she left. She lost her husband a year ago to stomach cancer, so perhaps it is because she can understand how it is.

I am venting because I have no one else to vent to. These things might not be such a big deal, except that I have a heightened level of anxiety waiting for the scan results. As my husband gets worse, I feel like he is being pulled away from me by an invisible force.

Once in a while my mind goes toward the unknown future, wondering what we will encounter on this journey. Then, as if seeing a shocking crime scene, I turn away from it, unable to venture a guess at what is in store for us. Prognosis timelines, potential treatment options, potential side effects, all are meaningless, because we can’t even venture a guess at what the future holds.

I need to have surgery on my feet. Both of them are riddled with arthritis, and walking- even standing is quite painful. So bones need to be shortened. In the meantime, cortisone shots will help. Because of this unknown future, I have decided to push for the surgery this fall rather than next year. I have even decided that my right foot should be done first in case he gets too sick to drive. My right foot is needed for the pedals of the car, so the sooner the better.

I feel as though when he is gone, I will be all alone in the world, unable to face it.