Day In The Life.…Caring for Mom

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Oncologist appointment for mom today. She’s down to 78 pounds. Doc gave her Megace (a steroid that enhances appetite and may cause her to gain). They give to people with AIDS and anorexia. I hope it works. Also changed her meds for breast cancer, since the other med seems to be doing nothing. It’s heartbreaking. She’s very weak. I know we are doing all we can. But I still feel badly. Normal I suppose.

Yesterday it was sleep time after we got home from the doc. Sleep until morning. She gets herself up and to the bathroom, and I think she went 2-3 times. Then back to bed. Most times I wake up to make sure she gets back to bed, but she was so sleepy, she went right back herself. Today she went to lunch at the senior center as usual, but was very sleepy there, had ensure, not their lunch, then came back and slept. Now up for a bowl of soup. Still very sleepy. It’s a sleep-filled day. Zzzzzzzzzz

Better evening. I certainly appreciate all the support today. I’m a little raw inside, just trying like hell to be calm. And yes, I know, that being calm is a lot easier than trying to be. Breathing is a good start. Forgiving my own anxious ol’ self.

I’m ok, doing the best I can. I am grateful for many things along with the opportunity to be caregiving for my mom. Someone said in talking about a treatmentdiaries-3new medication that is helping mom’s appetite and more – “aren’t you just prolonging the inevitable?” I feel sick from those words. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? This is NOT what I would call an extraordinary measure. I guess this comment just knocked me in the head. It’s been a strange time, but no stranger than any other time, I guess. Sleeplessness, quiet, waiting for a shoe to drop… But that’s just me. Mom is slowly shrinking, losing weight, swallowing difficulties, appetite reduced, and voice trembles to non-existent. But still, with all of the declining, she continues to be sweet and happy. I can honestly say I love her more now than ever and think she is more beautiful. She is like the glaciers, melting into the Arctic Sea. Slowly. Every once in a while, a greater difficulty arises, and we try with each challenge to figure out what to do, if anything.

I struggle with loss of independence. Lent my car to my niece, and even though we live in a completely wonderful walking neighborhood, where a car is not necessary, it is my passport to a few hours of freedom. I was kinda down the first day, but I’m determined not to sweat the small stuff. It was wonderful to have my niece visit, if only for a night. Hubs and I continue to concentrate on mom, and take care of each other as much as possible. I have to remember to breathe. Hold on tight to your loved ones folks. Love is all there is.