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I am a 32 year old woman- oh wait- 33 now! 32 is when my life changed forever. I noticed a mole on my chest about 2 plus years ago (and keep this in mind- I consider myself a hypochondriac) and I did nothing…. It was flat…then it wasn’t and I did nothing. I would mess with it because it was odd to me and I thought it started bleeding because I messed with it and I did nothing until a few months later. I went to dermatologist and they excised it. On sept 11th 2012, I received a call from my dermatologist ( luckily I was already home and my boyfriend was about to leave for work) and he said something like ” I’m sorry to tell you but you have an aggressive form of skin cancer called malignant melanoma and you need to call Johns Hopkins immediately to schedule surgery”.

I was in shock and in tears. The next month of my life was the worst I have ever had. Within two weeks I had all consultations, Pre- op requirements and surgery done and it was time to wait for results. For those of you not familiar with melanoma- they removed the area of mole at dermatology office but then you have to get a wide excision so cancer will not come back in the area and then a sentinel node biopsy which through tests determine where the cancer is most likely to spread if it has already spread to lymph nodes. I was considered stage 1b at this point and I guess if it spreads to lymph nodes then you jump to stage 3. Also, melanoma does not have great survival rates – apparently it does not have an effective treatment like other cancers do so what I thought was just ” skin cancer” can kill me and does kill young people quite often. Needless to say I was scared shitless- facing mortality before even getting married. In fact, I feel like I was just starting my life.

I started dating the love of my life only 2 1/2 years before and we were having the time of our lives. The universe was on my side…. But this changed
everything! The wait was the worst- please don’t spread….. And it didn’t! Now while everyone celebrates I’m cancer free- I know that the beast is a bastard and it can come back in lymph nodes and organs or on the skin again and the fight starts again. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and looking for resources and outlets all the time for my anxiety or peace of mind. I’m pissed people think it’s just skin cancer but why would they… I did. Educate! Awareness is where the cure for melanoma is right now. Especially in this jersey shore era

A few months later….

I hate you sun

So this is supposed to be a Pre- valentine romantic weekend in a lovely mountain town cabin we frequent…. So why am I crying while the boyfriend is showering?? Because these melanoma stories are heartbreaking. Young men and women dying while their parents and husbands/ wives are caregivers until the last moment. It’s terrifying that I will never know if all of it is gone- until it comes back. While we celebrate our love this weekend it’s terrifying that we may never be able to have a baby (I’ve been reading a lot about how pregnancy hormones can accelerate any cancer- thanks jackass cancer!). My liver results came back as fatty liver so my diet needs to resume: / but yay! No random melanoma in liver! Now I wait for results from cervical biopsy which I get on Wednesday and if all is well than I can breathe again for 2-3 weeks before foot doctor and dermatology appointments.

Back to the reason I am posting…. Since I was diagnosed in September 2012- I have spent 2 days outside- only 2 in over 4 months- because I HATE the sun! So now we are in a lovely town with woods and walking to be done… And I didn’t even bring sunscreen! Ummmm….. Did I forget the sun and melanoma are evil? Did I think my SPF moisturizer would cover my whole body for a day outside? I hate that melanoma has ruined my typical behavior. Now we have to hunt down a hat and sunscreen because the sun is a beotch to my skin and I always knew that but a little pink never bothered me before… Any who….Now I’m going to read my boyfriend the melanoma blog that had me in tears so he is reminded like I am daily of this cancer crap. Ps I will have a lovely weekend but needed to yell at the sun a little